


The Swallow, December 2014

by frogy



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Journalism, Multi, Tabloids, The Swallow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-21
Updated: 2014-12-21
Packaged: 2018-03-02 17:05:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2819699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frogy/pseuds/frogy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eric Bittle<br/>@omgcheckplease<br/>Oh Dear God.<br/>All of the frogs are in the Swallow.</p><p>Eric Bittle<br/>@omgcheckplease<br/>Holster: Ah, yes. My favorite photo spread: "How Many Wellies Posted Pictures of Themselves With NHL Stars to Social Media? We counted."</p><p>Eric Bittle<br/>@omgcheckplease<br/>I think words like "notoriety" were invented because of the Swallow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Swallow: Newspaper Layout

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like this needs some kind of warning for mean-ness, although 'mean' isn't really the right word. As much as this is a Check Please! fanwork, it's also a tribute to the gossip fliers from one of the groups I was in in college. And if you were going to do something that got you in it (like be in the organization's leadership), you had to develop thick skin. Maybe think of this like one of those Comedy Central Roasts. I snark because I love.
> 
> This is written from the perspective of someone going to Samwell. They know less about the personal details of the characters than readers of the comic.
> 
> The Check Please! universe and art used here all belong to Ngozi. Mean Girls, Spongebob, Elsa, etc. all belong to their respective owners. I'm not sure if the cryptogram chant is unique to my college or not. If you finish it and think we went to the same school, I'd love to talk college hockey with you.


	2. The Swallow: Plain Text (for reading on phones)

The Swallow  
Volume 16. Issue 5.  
December 2014

\---

Note from the Editors

Because the hockey team treated Samwell to one last schwasted, terrible portmanteau of an #EpiKegster, and your editors are finally done with finals (ed. note: not all of us. some of us are just gonna fail.) we bring you the last issue of The Swallow of the 2014 Fall semester. Or check us out at theswallow.com (ed. note: we're poor college students who are lying about buying that domain. it's probably porn.). Enjoy and have a merry whatever the hell you celebrate.

\---

Eat at Annie's  
Not a paid advertisement. We just like their burritos.

\---

D-Men and The D: An Investigative Report

They may not play wing on the ice, but it's a well known fact that Samwell Hockey's D-Men love playing wing-man off-ice when the other members of the team are looking to hook up. Who among us hasn't been texted by Ransom asking if you could 'help a bro out?'

But it's always been different when it comes to his defense partner. There, he takes what some might call a more hands-on approach. Adam and Justin are known to sweet talk girls up to their attic together. Reports on the Ransom and Holster experience range from "omg, the best ever" to "they are way more into each other than they are to you."

At EpiKegster, it looked like the new D-Men might be following in those hallowed footsteps. 

Has this always been the case with Samwell defense? To find out, we reached out to our super-senior corespondent. When ambushed coming out of Founder's, they said "I don't know man, I think they all had girlfriends. What's this for anyway?" and then we had to run away before they discovered our secret identity.

With no concrete historical data, let's look closer at this weekend's party. First, Nurse was seen pouring this girl a beer from the keg. After, Pointdexter presented the very same girl with a solo cup of bathtub punch. Nurse upped the ante by sweet-talking some pie out Bitty for the lucky lady. But after that, the girl agreed to be Pointdexter's beer pong partner. Pointdexter promised to win the game for her, while Nurse glared (ed note: sexy glaring?) and waited for his turn. 

This back and forth continued all evening, through getting pictures with NHL player, Kent Parson, and grinding on the dance floor. Neither guy could close the deal, alone or together, and at the end of the night the girl was seen escorting her puking roommate back to the dorms. 

Whether Nurse and Pointdexter step up to follow the tradition established by Ransom and Holster has yet to be seen. But you can rest assured that we here at The Swallow have it covered, and look forward to bring you the latest updates in the new year.

\---

Overheard at #EpiKegster

Girl 1: You're gonna bang him?  
Girl 2: I'm gonna onomatopoeia him so hard.

Dudebro: A handjob's a man's job.

Janis: Kent Parson... How do I begin to explain Kent Parson?  
Emma Gerber: Kent Parson is flawless.  
Lea Edwards: He has two Fendi purses and a silver Lexus.  
Tim Pak: I hear his hair's insured for $10,000.  
Amber D'Alessio: I hear he does car commercials... In Japan.  
Bethany Byrd: One time Kent Parson punched me in the face... it was awesome.

\---

Where's Jack

Jack Zimmermann disappeared early from the #EpiKegster. Jealous that his old teammate was stealing his spotlight? Mad that his friends were fawning all over Parson? Or enjoying a puck bunny, oblivious to it all?

(Picture from Where's Waldo book)

\---

Puzzles and Games: Cryptogram for the Other Goalie

(This is an actual cryptogram you can solve.)

\---

Ask Nick & Jean-Claude

Dear Twitter,

I am a sad, sophomore hockey player with a crush on a boy. Instead of doing anything about it, I'm going to use twitter like a middle-school girl's diary. Because everyone knows the best way to get what you want is to do nothing and whine about it to the internet.

From,  
Tiny

 

Dear Tiny,

You didn't actually ask us for advice. But, SURPRISE! The internet is public. So, we're going to help you anyway.

Literally everyone you've ever met loves you. You're BFF with Jack "future NHL star" Zimmermann. You should be calling those frogs ducklings with the way they follow you around. Pies just appear around you. 

Man up and admit to your big, gay love. If the object of your affections is into dudes, he'll be into it. If he's not usually into dudes, you've still got a pretty good chance he'll make an exception for you.

If we're wrong, cone find us. We'll lend you a beer and a hand(job), eh.

Nick & Jean-Claude

-

Dear Nick & Jean-Claude,

I'm going to be profiled in The Daily. But! I have braces! Is everyone going to make fun of me for my metal mouth? What can I do about it? Help!

From  
Soup-er Self-Conscious

 

Dear Soup-er Self-Conscious,

We here at The Swallow refuse to acknowledge that other publication around campus, with their things like "journalistic integrity" and "AP style," and want to refuse to give you advice on principle.

But we're a little schwasty already. And our advice is easy: build a time machine, go back to middle school and get braces with the rest of your peer group. If that's too hard try this: get the fuck over it! We have it on good authority that Screw lived up to it's name for you. (Don't think we didn't notice.) So stop worrying. You've got nothing I worry about.

If we're wrong, cone find us. We'll lend you a beer and a hand(job), eh.

Nick & Jean-Claude

-

Dear Nick & Jean-Claude,

I'm not on the Samwell Men's Hokey Team. I'm on the baseball/basketball/football/intramural quidditch team. How come the whole issue is about those jerks on the hockey team?

From  
Whiny Jealous Babies

 

Dear Whiny Jealous Babies,

Did you have a party where an MLB, NBA, or NFL star showed up? Was Harry Potter there? Because if he was a have a beef to pick with him: Albus Severus? Seriously? SERIOUSLY?

If not, shut the fuck up. Enjoy the free bathtub booze. And if your going to puke it all up later, leave the pie for us, eh.

Nick & Jean-Claude

\---

How Many Wellies Posted Pictures of Themselves With NHL Stars to Social Media? We counted.

(Actually, no, we didn’t.)

(The picture of Bitty and Parse photoshopped to be of Parse and: Spongebob, Ash Ketchum, Elsa, Princess Bubblegum, Sailor Moon, and Leonardo, the Ninja Turtle.)

**Author's Note:**

> If there's a big party Bitty chronicles on twitter in January and you want to make The Swallow a collaborative effort, let me know. I'd be up for doing one where I don't write everything.


End file.
